Okay, it's kind of late, but I've wanted to make this post in a while.
Double standards. Where have we heard of these before?
The church for one. Haha. I don't know if it's just because I take Spanish and every time we're reading some Spanish literature written by some radical who was killed later on in his time, there's something to do with the church having double standards, doble moral, where some priest is forcing people to starve to death because you need to suffer like Jesus to be able to see Jesus/God someday yet he's stuffing his face in everyday and using all that donated money on himself.
In the Asian-Conservative community however, there are more subtle yet modern examples of these things going on.
It's particularly difficult, living as a third culture kid in this context. Where the younger generation receives a liberal education (american education) and the previous generation is wrapped in the old, traditional and conservative ideas of how to raise kids and how the younger generation should treat their parents.
In the liberal education I received, I had always been asked to pose my own personal opinion. Nothing we say can be considered stupid or silly, and if you have an idea you really should just give it a shot (though most of us don't voice many opinions anyways because we're actually a little Asian-conservative inside too). Another thing I was always asked of was to disagree with the teacher if I had a good argument to support it that I believed in. I have been asked to ask as many questions as I could, until I understood everything I was supposed to. It was okay if a teacher couldn't answer my questions, too, and it's OKAY to make mistakes, as long as you learn from them.
Now, I don't think I have to say any more to show that this is exactly the complete opposite of what the Asian-conservative community preaches.
Do not question what you are taught. Accept it. Because someone of greater stature taught you this, it is worth more value than your opinion is. Because he/she has been on this earth longer than you have, so they must know more and must be right. Don't try to challenge anything, because you will fail and have disrespected your elders. A mistake is a sin.
Now, there is actually a legitimate reason for all of this. That reason is Filial Piety. By a friend of ours called Confucius. Anyways Confucius' idea was that the respect for parents and ancestors should be held above all other values. Which really doesn't sound that bad it sounds kinda nice and sweet when you think about it. But I regret to discuss that I strongly believe that it hurts more in our generation than it helps.
On one side, there's good things about filial piety. It's like placing family above all else, which I think most Americans agree with too. Your family is going to be with you forever. No matter how many friends come and go it's your family that stays with you for your entire life. You cannot change your family--they will be there for all your life. That's why you place them first and why you serve them above all else. Also, filial piety is the reason why Taiwan/China has less retirement homes than the States. We're required to care for our parents when they become old, as they cared for us when we were young. Most parents live with their children or, like mine, visit very often (but yes, they are thinking of moving to Taipei now...). Who came blame them for liking filial piety? Your kids listen to you when you're young and now when they're old they're letting you stay with them! You'll NEVER be lonely for your entire life! Your kids will always be there for you.
And as for the kids, they'll get the same when they're starting the next generation. Life sounds gooooood. [This is the part where I feel kind of bad for my parents, because I don't think my brother will pull through on his deal, though even I'm hoping and praying he will because my parents deserve it for all they went through when they were young serving their parents and all the things I see them do for my grandparents now].
Alright, all good things come with a cost (actually, this is not always true, as I learned from having my best friend Tammy over for summer, that some things in life are just plain good, as long as you cherish them and feel grateful for them all the time!). Especially this one.
Problems:
1. Boys.
If you don't have a son, you kinda don't get no nice filial piety treatment, because girls get married off to serve the son's parents. (fuck. I'm simplifying it for now because I want to get to the point)
2. Synthetic Love.
It's kind of hard to actually feel love for your parents when they're beating the shit out of you for being disrespectful. I'm being Naked here again. It feels kind of uncomft, but it's better than certainty.
3. Double Standards. The reason I made this post. I first felt funny about this idea this year. When I was training with a badminton team in Taipei. I mean, it's ALWAYS been in my life--the way I'm not supposed to talk back to my parents when they condemn me to beating for every innocent mistake I've made as a kid. But this year in badminton, I guess it was blatantly staring at my face a lot more clearly than before, perhaps because it wasn't happening to me.
A Naked Story: I finished a game with a kid, and I lost (duh) but anyways another kid came up to me and asked me, "What was the score in the game you just played now?"I sorta laughed because well even though it was close I lost right? To an eighth grader. And this assistant coach immediately scolded him saying "HELLO?? You're supposed to address her as 學姊* [Xue Jie]. And what happened to your manners? You're supposed to say "Excuse me Xue Jie may I ask for the score in the game you just played?".He didn't really say it in a mean way, just a little authoritative. Yet, I immediately responded, "Haha no it's fine he can talk to me like that."I don't think it helped because he kept trying to apologize to me. Anyways the next thing that happened was another girl was talking to the same assistant coach and I wasn't listening in but I did hear him say loudly (in English) "EAT SHIT!"And I asked, "Did you just say Eat Shit?!"And he said, "Yeah, 吃屎 [Chi Shi], you know? Eat Shit!"So I responded, "Okay first you're yelling at that kid for bad manners and now you're yelling at someone else Eat Shit??"And he replied, "Hey that's different. He's addressing you and I'm addressing her. I'm older so I'm allowed to do that, it's from UP to DOWN. However he was going from DOWN to UP and that's not allowed"I just kind of tried to cut him off in the middle going like "yeah yeah whatever you're the best example in the world".*kind of like the equivalent to 'alumnus' in English, but there's no real translation. It really means an upperclassman and they have it for girls and boys (school older sister/older brother). They also have it for underclassmen, but you address underclassmen by their names. Just when you refer to underclassmen you can call them Xue Di and Xue Mei (school younger sister/younger brother)
So anyways, that was the time I realized that all my life it's been this way--my parents can say whatever mean things to me they want and condemn my actions however they want, but if I make any statement about them I'm in huge trouble. I mean I guess my parents have a right to get mad at my open cursing, but I think I have a right to address their double standards without being silenced by force.
I'll have to say, I don't think filial piety works anymore. People learn by actions not by words.
"What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say"
I can't say I'm the perfect example, but I don't try to pretend that what I do is definitely superior and right just because I am older. And I don't try to preach things I don't do myself. It's become so difficult for us to feel close to our parents when every time we open up to them they have something to say about all the wrongdoings we've been committing, and then watch them do similar things. And if we talk about any problems they have, we're deemed shitty kids who are unappreciative and super bu xiao, unfilial.
On one hand, it's good that we put emphasis on our family and place respect for parents on a top priority. Yet, it's horrendous and nauseating to think about all the times they take advantage of this idea for their own shortcomings. I guess this has been a problem for a long time, but it's never been of much importance because well, it's not often we come across third-culture kids I guess. I mean the kids at the badminton team don't think there's anything wrong with any of it. It's because of my liberal education and my agreement to my education that I feel so disgusted by certain Asian-Conservative things.
I don't want to condemn my parents. They are just doing what they were taught. They only know this. I mean even though they lived a decade in the states it's been more than a decade since they've been comfortably back in Taiwan, around so many people who support Asian-conservative ideas and way of life.
I just know it's not what I want for the future generation, and I've done too little to help so far.
Peace,
Blaize
